Teaching Our Children that No Means No

As I sit here on the window seat, watching my little girls ride bikes, pick the first flowers of spring, and dig in the dirt, I'm brought to tears.  They are so young, so beautiful, so pure.  They don't yet know the harsh realities of this world they live in; they see only the good, the magical, the endless possibilities that life has in store for them.  I desperately wish I could freeze time and keep them this way forever.  But that isn't how life works.  Motherhood has made me acutely, painfully aware of that.

This morning I read about a new line that Victoria's Secret is launching.  It's called "Bright Young Things," and will be targeted towards middle school-aged girls.  These bras and panties will be lacy, bold, and say things like, "Feeling Lucky?," "Wild," and "Call Me."  I'm not sure what bothers me more- that VS is willing to put their bottom line above the well-being of our daughters, or that parents will be purchasing such items for their 12-year-olds.  A father wrote an open letter to VS, asking that they reconsider the line.  His words are eloquent and straight from the heart, and they got me thinking about my own girls and about how Joel and I, as their parents, will teach them to respect themselves and to demand the same from others.

I know what it's like to grow up in a culture that objectifies and defines girls and women by their appearance.    It was not long ago that I was a teen, trying to love myself despite the many messages from society telling me that I was not, and would never be, good enough.  But there's more to it than scantily clad women on billboards and in magazines.  Take the recent Steubenville rape, for example.  A group of boys took advantage of a drunk, barely (if at all) conscious girl, brutally raped her, and documented the horrific event with pictures and video.  Many people are blaming the victim.  Why?  Does a 16-year-old girl deserve to be raped, humiliated, and now harassed simply because she made the mistake of drinking too much?  How many of us ADULTS have overindulged?  Do we, too, deserve the hell this poor girl has gone through?  Of course not, because no one "deserves" to be treated that way.  That girl, who could be my daughter or yours, will never be the same.  She will live with that trauma for the rest of her life.

This is a complex issue, and one that I could not possibly cover in one post, but there are a few thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head for awhile now, and I'd like to share them with you. We live in a rape culture.  For reasons I can't fathom, the victim is often blamed.  "She was drunk."  "She didn't scream loudly enough." "She was asking for it in that outfit."  Statements like this make my stomach drop and my fists clench.  I want to scream, cry, shake the people who think this way.  Have we been so conditioned to believe that women are sex objects and men are incapable of moral behavior that we justify this despicable act?

My girls are young, but I live in fear that they will someday be the target of sexual abuse.  I feel like a broken record, constantly reminding them that their private parts are their and theirs alone.  I assure them that they can tell me anything without fear of getting in trouble.  They're only 3 and 4, so I don't get too crazy about it. I don't want them to be afraid or even to know why they need to know these things, but I do want to instill a sense of self-respect and personal boundaries so that they feel confident saying "no," should they ever need to.

I think most parents have this conversation with their little ones, just as our parents did with us.  Lately, though, I've been struggling with the fact that, in the next breath, we tell them, despite their protests, to go give hugs and kisses to grandma and grandpa.

Anyone that knew me growing up could tell you that I was the least affectionate child ever.  I hated to be hugged, kissed, touched.  I was shy, and I needed boundaries.  For some reason, no one was willing to respect that.  I was constantly being forced to accept unwanted affection from well-meaning family members, despite the fact that it made me incredibly uncomfortable.  Anytime someone has tried to make my girls hug or kiss them, despite clear signs that they were not interested in doing so, I've felt anxiety.  I could never really put my finger on why until I read a blog post by a mom who was able to put my visceral response into words.  I wish I could remember where I found it so that I could share it with you.  Basically she said that when we tell our children that they must tolerate unwanted physical affection by relatives (99.9% of whom mean no harm of course!), we're teaching them that their bodies are not their own, that their personal boundaries are not important, and that they should just suck it up and deal with it so they don't hurt Aunt Susie's feelings.

I want to be clear: the scenario I've just described is not synonymous with abuse of any sort.  I know that, and I would never compare the two, but I want to challenge you to think about the mixed message we're sending our children, boys and girls alike.  Unwanted touch is okay in some cases, but not in others.  Sometimes you should say no, but other times you should just tolerate it.  As adults, it's easy for us to separate these ideas and respond appropriately to various situations, but for a young, developing mind, this must be rather confusing.  And so, I've been teaching my daughters to say no.  If someone asks for a hug or tries to give one and they aren't in the mood, I tell them (oftentimes right then and there, in front of the adult) that it's okay for them to say "No, thank you."  To some of you, this may seem silly, but I feel that it's a simple way to plant the seed in their minds that their body is their own, and no one has the right to do anything to them without permission.

I practice this at home, as well.  If Joel or I does something that they don't like, i.e. tickling, they can say "No, thank you" or "Please stop doing that," and we stop.  End of story.  The other night, I was putting the big girls to bed, and because Joel wasn't home and Nola was fussy, I couldn't lay down with them like I normally do.  Raia really wanted some snuggles, so I suggested that she snuggle with Aislinn (they sleep in twin beds pushed together).  Aislinn made it quite clear that she was not in the mood, at which point Raia covered her face and cried into her little hands, saying that she loved Aislinn and that her feelings were hurt.  My instinct was to tell Aislinn to suck it up and cuddle with her sister, but I stopped myself.  Instead, I took a deep breath, told Aislinn that I respected her decision, and reminded Raia that it was Aislinn's body, and therefore her choice to say no if she did not want to be touched.

Some of you are probably rolling your eyes and calling me a stupid hippie or something similar.  That's okay.  I believe that using opportunities like this to reinforce the ideas that they own their bodies and that they get to make the rules about who touches them and when, is effective and will serve them well in the future.  I wish I didn't have to do this.  I would love to live in a world free of molestation, abuse, and rape.  I know that, despite these lessons, bad things can still happen.  I understand that teaching my girls to say no does not ensure that they will never be victims, because again, the victim is never at fault.  For that reason,  I hope that other mothers are teaching these same lessons to their sons.  Our children need to be instructed to respect themselves, each other, and the word, "no."  No means no.  Always.

In an ideal world, society would get on board and stop objectifying girls and women.  Victoria's Secret would forget about their own profit and consider the ramifications of their actions.  Kids wouldn't grow up so quickly, girls wouldn't feel like they needed to wear risque clothing with suggestive words across their bums, and boys would see their female counterparts as human beings rather than sex toys or objects over which they can exert power (for as most of us know, rape is often more about control than sex).

Unfortunately, things seem to be getting worse rather than better, so it's up to us, as parents, to initiate change.  Love your babies, hold them close, and teach them to love themselves and one another.  Let's break the cycle.